Timisoara

and my need to fight the instinct inside me is greater than anything and bitter than anything.
It hurts feeling worthless for finding those little imperfect things about yourself that stick with you for so long. And you wish that not for your whole life.



Vreau dragoste, nu vreau regret
Îmi pare rău dar știu doar din doi în două
Cărări deșuete.
Și mă întreb să nu mă mai întreb.
O cale lunga ce s-a-ntors
Mă duce, mă-ndulcește, și nu duce
Căci n-am un dor și-o doare,
Am o nevoie de măreț.
Ce încă doare
În simplul stil al clipirii din somn
Și-ncăpățânatul închis de pleoape
Și mă duce, mă duce
Cu gândul nu prea departe.
Mă induce.

London

my veins need to unlearn your name

My veins know so well my drive,
My sweet sorrowful heavy belonging love
Please stop enchanting
From deep down myself
'Cause I feed myself with drive
And now I try to suffice myself
And say no to pain
And pain is what i love till blood comes
And say no, no to what drives you mad and bold
And loved engraved in my desire.
To become, to love.
I beg, all naked, fragile and strong
For once I miss the drive from that place that puts me first.
And I push away a desire
That I want and I so wish to stop
To be full like the full moon.
And I wish to stop seeking for the only drive I know
That drives me mad,
Makes me alive,
Trows me off the floor,
And on again, like a wave of self-loath, of love
Oh, sweet sorrowful love
No good, only when you see fit
Alone and in the night
Amen
I beg once more
I send one prayer more
Of light, to be myself tonight
And more.
Unspoken and more.


My veins know so well my drive
that it comes so easily for them to want it back
And I lean back and forth in life
In wait, in awe and in not wanting it back
That I still have to wait and see who wins all that.

i only want you

afraid no more- only addicted

and then there comes a time when sleep can't come no more unless from an out of this world kind of magic and excitement. afraid no more- only addicted

love that keeps me burning

  I think I love travelling because by being still I get no answer. No answer from myself. No answer to my depressions. And after a trip I am all fuzzy but need an entire week to recover and adapt. No full week.
Because I am too much in my head I get scared of the unknown. Therefore in my head ( and sometimes it is) is such a pain to just leave for someplace else. But I know I can do this one day. Leave by myself and not feel so much sorrow from living too much with my so many ideas in my head.
Cand eram cu tine ma trezeam noaptea- sau nu adormeam doar pentru ca nu puteam sa dorm. De drag ca erai ( sa fie asta dupa o luna inca?), ori pentru a nu te misca si sa te trezesti, ori pentru ca nu aveam stare cum nici acasa nu am.
I wish to just travel, just act with somebody for now. Later- I'll see, but these day there needs to be a change. I'm struggling with my photography because these days I am more open to the word and I believe I can create beautiful, special content. I want to support myself in a field that can make me happy. And happy and whole is not something not even from the things I love. Because I never am satisfied with them and want to excel but also because I only want them to be mine.

   Why did I find myself so awake into the night that month in Spain. No question mark. Just a sigh. A question in a sigh. That should equal a change. I know you are not good for me but never have I ever found myself so down to earth than when existing and speaking with you. Hearing your own way of thinking.
   And I would use to stare into the room, into the black and trying to think of what I was feeling. And to associate and trying to find an answer from The Power of Now book. Trying to ignore every though and just be. But my present was mostly that blackness. Kind of like an inactive mood. I wished to do so much but knew you did not had the same ideas as me I've let myself just enjoy those rare, precious moments with you. As much as I could, that I would just stare at just while you were asleep. Oh, how much joy it brought to just read near you while you were sleeping. I used to contemplate you for some time and then continue happily smiling with my book only to skip the reading to stare at you again. This would eventually end with me lightly hugging you or whispering things that you would eventually woke up. Because I would want time with you.

That precious time.

Mid of September- mid of October.

Privirea mea e ațintită la privirea mea ce gura nu îmi mai zâmbeşte
Are ochii în priviri lumi încrucişate.
Un dor ce e acum atins şi-ntors
La gura ce privirea nu mai zâmbeşte.

I WANT TO FIND YOU MINE

  And I would woke up at night, or barely sleeping all through the night, and I would stare at you. And I would always find you so soundly sleeping. And I would be angry at you for not spending more time ( cuddling ) with me. But after I'd acknowledge the angriness and the present moment, I would understand that you are so deeply sleeping that I would kind of step back and I would thank for this moment and I would come so much closer to you. With you sleeping soundly. Because when I would leave in a few days, I could have this moment. And this would go on and on every night.
Sometimes is so easy to love you because you exist and because I want more things to happen when I'm with you. Because they do!

backstage scene

Backstage scene or not quite.

I got around the idea that I should try fashion photography. I think the idea came to me when someone said that my photos are in that area. And I felt outraged for some reason. And I took I deeper look at them and so that there is that fashion edge to them. So I said to myself ( because all the people I know at the moment are afraid to get lost in the woods, and get themselves wet and run around in water and swim- all because well life for me is first but close to it comes capturing the feeling i'm getting when i see these moments ) ( by the way all the people i know are so scared and afraid to let themselves free that it makes me so so sad not being able to create genuine- true dear to my heart genuine content. For the moments my heart skips a bit when I get the final perfect take on camera- I would like to do a blogpost about this topic but it most definitely breaks my heart and i would like to write about it after i get the answer behind it- or the starting point of it all for my photography and life )

Oh ok- no more parenthesis for this paragraph.
So I said to myself: This is not the kind of fashion photography that I can make! I can do so much more! As an editorial lover I started to think how I can bring my photography at the next step. So I started thinking that collaborations are the answer and that it also should be fun.
Then the need for a notebook came and so that I can check the next things off of it:
Location
Make-up artist
Model
Clothing
Props etc

The process of this all is still ongoing. Need to find out more about fashion photography and experiment more as it's what I love doing!

Finally: Here's a picture from a fiting that had nothing to do with my projects but I was waiting for my model to come pick a dress up for a shooting I had this image in front of me trough my eyes and I had to take it. I'd like to see how I see nude editorial. To be continued...
FOR SURE.

I NEED ADVENTURE

I need adventure so I can actually live.
My mornings are quite so same. The same routine if I can call it like that which consists in trying to hours and hours to find motivation to get out of bed ( at least )- getting out the door is another story.

I've always felt a deep connection with unporpousness ( I need this word to exist ).  I struggle to see straight into what i need and what i like and what i would like to be doing. But it's the ''by chance'' moments that I feel most connected to. Like photography a true genuine moment- when my subject if there is one is not aware of the capturing process, or like staying a few steps behind than anybody else to capture a certain thing my eyes saw.

I need to feel true to myself. And that barely even happens because I find within me a state of mind that does not let me be free and unaware of my thoughts and some other force that has to do with the purpose of my life. And so I'm left moody. I''m this way since I can recall. I thought it was from wrong love that this moodyness won't go away so easily. ( For some time I actually kind of forced myself to make myself fall in love more easily so that I have something to write late at night and forget my depression. The thing is that today still, I don't know if it's an induced depression or not. How do you even know that when it's been there so long?

And so I find myself here again and again in bed. With just tiredness these days. I want to do what I love and when I get known for something I get -not bored but- kind of too aware that people know me by something that I tend to run away ( in my mind and in my spirit ). It's not fun when you only know your own way of thinking, otherwise you'd feel more calm.


I can be harmonious. But I can't be chill.

----

I wish to have my own studio- which would basically consist of my very own room having a bed, a big big window would be much treasured and the rest of the space would be spare space. Part room, part studio. Part passion, part life. =the same thing.

everything I need it to be

Every night I'm saying my problems and my doubts to the open sky. I met you in the cold winter, and ever since, every night before sleep I open the window, breath in and out a few times, I get a visual of you, close my eyes, breath one more time which feels like a sigh. And sometimes when I can't no longer go without talking out this feeling, I say my doubts about you out loud. Just the idea of setting them out into the open space feels surreal, unreal, and everything I need it to be. Then I close the window, I turn slowly and I pretend that then I can easily sleep.

the beginning of something big

Editorial called "Barefoot in the Opera House"

More coming soon.

   Model: Roxana Puriș
   Dress by: Roxi's Fine Cut
   Make-up by: Satmari Oana Oana Satmari Make Up

I still have to upload more pictures from this shooting but decided to share a glimpse of it.
My biggest collaboration so far.

my instagram project callled #girlswithcameras #girlsshooting

I'm starting a new project on my instagram called #girlswithcameras or #girlsshooting. 
After I take some pictures of a girl, and I give them to see the results, I like so much how they look with it that I immediately take my phone and take a picture of them just holding the camera or shooting as in that moment they feel an urge for shooting. I think they look so photogenic holding my camera that I want to continue this project. This is in fact the latest one from two days ago.

Label Zero

 I've teamed up with my girl from Label ZERO and shoot this dress made by her. Today at 3am I felt like experimenting with editing the results.

deep down in my core is only you and insomnia

I'm trying to document this past month in pictures. It just came to me. Actually that's what I intended to do when I started this blog with a ride to another city. But I always post in advance since I can't find the patience to wait and because I'm always in search of the next best thing.


I can't find my peace while sleeping alone, or mostly, at home.
So I've started to sleep at my friends.
First, it was with my best friend Alex because she is from out of town and would only stay in town for one more week if I was to stay with her.
We would spend time together at the pool in town after I would get from work. We will shoot or we'll try to figure out what we will eat next. It was so strange to wake up in the morning, she sleeping, and go to my job in a hurry so that we would have more time to spend together when I'd be back. Our biggest worries where what food to pick from the supermarket and what movie to watch (one of us always ending up sleeping ) after 1000 movie trailers.

  Then we went to Arad County.
We biked, ate, took pictures and just continue living together and getting used to each other so that when I left, it felt strange to do so. We were kind of like a team. We'd spend one full day documenting on how to add a certain gadget to my blog. She'd pick up things I do and I'd pick up things she'd love or hate.

And from our shoot on a hill somewhere near her home:

Then I slept for 2-3 days at another friend from which I don't have pictures. But it felt mesmerizing to compare the habits I'd gain from these girls. And from the people we usually spend night and day with. For example I'd get used to using a coaster for my drink in exchange for trying to make her feel more carefree. Also, from Alex, I'd get a lot more paranoid about big dogs biting me or being way to careful about what I use on my face, or cleansing related. And so much more of these little things that would kind of fade away with my next stay at a different place!